"I'm not okay..but that's okay"

Almost every conversation starts out with the same question no matter what. It's that dreadful question, "How are you?" And nearly everyone one of us has the same answer to it, "I'm good" or "I'm fine." We seem to like to keep it short and simple, never expanding on to the answer so we don't have to explain what is really going on in our lives and how we are actually feeling. I can tell you that I'm one of the biggest advocates for this and I'm sure that I am not the only one out there. It becomes a habit, but not a healthy one at that.

We live in a world where being "okay" has become a norm to society and we become numb to that feeling of "okay". It becomes normal to us, and not being "okay" or showing that you are not "okay" becomes abnormal and you get scared. At least that is what it is like for me and maybe even you too.

I've actually mastered the nature of being "okay" and showing people that I am "okay", "fine", "good". I have the constant thought in my head of always just being "okay," even though I know I'm not. And no one puts that thought in my head, but myself. You see, I tend to live to impress myself and others and if being "okay" when I am not all the time helps than so be it. I tend to live a life that is always filled with happiness and extreme joy, because personally I hate being sad, upset, mad, and overall not okay. It just does not seem normal for me to be anything, but happy and positive all the time.

For the longest time I lived my life where I had to be someone who was "okay" 24/7, because I thought I had to prove to myself and others that there was absolutely nothing wrong with me or my life. I lived a life that I tried to perceive as the "perfect life." All my problems and struggles became invisible for others to see, but I still saw them, I still felt them. I tried to pretend that they were not there, that didn't work out too well for me when I would end up having emotional breakdowns every night. For me personally, my life experiences, my past and my family circumstances have molded me into convincing myself that I always have to be okay. I guess I thought that maybe pretending to be "okay," I'd eventually be okay...

"If the people who I'm surrounded by and who look up to me know that I'm struggling with ________, then what are they going to do? What are they going to say? They do not want to see someone who is struggling, they want positivity. They want someone who has their life figured out. They want to see someone who is successful and knows where their life is headed. So they can have someone to look up to, so they have someone to be encouraged by. So I have to live with that, I have to live with the constant reminder that I have to be okay for others. I have to show them I am okay, so they will be okay. I have to show them I have nothing wrong, so I don't need help, so people don't have to help me."

For a long time I have prided myself in being problem-less and not asking for help because asking for help does not show that you are okay, it shows weakness. And I convinced myself that. I convinced myself that I was not worth enough to show my weakness, because I didn't deserve to have people see the real me. If people saw the real me, the girl who struggles, the girl who lives on her own, the girl with family problems, the girl with health problems, the girl who as no idea what she wants to do with her life, the girl who is extremely poor, the girl who is hungry for food, love and peace..then they would not want to be apart of her life. Who wants to be in someones life that is falling apart and isn't okay? You see, I thought my struggles and weaknesses were my weakness therefore I HAD TO BE OKAY to be stronger. But is that really healthy, is that really good for you?

Not really..it took me a real long time to realize that.

You see, there is NOTHING wrong with not being okay. Honestly, I think it is the most human thing to be. I've now became a strong believer of that.

To not be okay, is... okay.

Your struggles are real and are important. They make you who you are and even better. I have for the majority of my life thought that struggles were something that weaken you and talking about them made you weak. I've never been the one who gets upset when people don't ask, because I would rather stick to the facade of "I'm okay!" Which is ironic, because that is what actually makes a person weak. Not talking about my struggles and about the crap that was going on throughout my life made me weak to it. It was still there, there was no way of getting rid of it. I numbed it, but eventually it became thawed. It became real again. Because when it finally came time that I faced a lot of stuff I went through growing up, and a lot of things I still face in my family and in my day to day life... It felt horrible in my heart to feel it all. I pushed it off for so long, that when I finally broke down and fell it felt nearly impossible to get back up. But I did that to myself, I tried to hide my problems and tried to be "okay" for so long to be strong, but it made me weaker than ever.

I convinced myself for a while that "no one gets it" so there was really no point, in my mind, in opening up about it. But I've also learned that someone doesn't have to necessarily "get it" to be there for you. If you have to wait for people to "get it" and understand what you are going through and how you are feeling then you are putting yourself in a box of isolation that may take years to get out of. You'll be stuck in a unreachable box. You simply cannot do that, you shouldn't do that. It hurts a lot more than you think, trust me.

Being vulnerable is extremely hard, but I think being isolated and not showing that you are not "okay" is a lot harder.

I don't want this to sound like it only pertains to big, life altering issues. Because it doesn't. Everyone has their thing that they don't really open up about. Everyone has their reasons to show that they are "okay." It could be their parents, high school life, siblings, friends, past relationships, their job, their struggle to get a job, money problems, life decisions, their habits, their addictions, etc.. There is no problem too small, or too big. There is nothing UNREACHABLE. There's is nothing wrong with asking for help. As the book of Hebrews says, "Take the mercy, accept the help." (Hebrews 4:14-16). When I gave in (not gave up-there's a difference there) to accepting the fact that my life was not perfect, that no one's life was perfect, and learned that I didn't have to be okay for anyone not even myself..something lifted. A huge weight lifted off my shoulders and something big happened. My life shifted, God happened and I became really okay.

There's a lot of freedom in not being okay, letting people in and giving in to help.

I struggled a lot. And I still do, everyday. And I always tried to hide it, but you don't have to. Because when I became vulnerable, when I opened up to others, when I accepted the help and when I accepted the fact that I wasn't okay.. I was actually started to feel okay. Not the "okay" but the actual okay without the quotation marks. Because truth is, I'm doing okay enough to know that everyone's a little broken. I'm doing okay enough to learn that hearts are best when they're wide open. I'm doing okay to know that I'm not alone in this world. I still got a lot fear inside of me.. I know that I'm not okay... but that's okay.

For the first time in a long time I'm doing okay..for real.

For a little side note: Just remember that is okay to not be okay, and honestly if you're reading this and going through a hard time or just anything in general... I'm here to help. I'm here to talk and share. This was my first blog, it was short and sweet..I don't know how I feel about it, I don't know how you feel about it. But I am hoping that it reached out to you in some way, if not.. that's fine as well!! I'm still going to write and share and be real with you, and hopefully write my own book someday on my life!

But if you need anything at all just shoot me a message! I'm here to help and here to talk, you're not alone in this world, there's always someone!

Thank you!

Happy reading!! :)